Waiting for Lauren's birthday

It was tough to wait for Lauren to arrive ...

She was 9 days overdue by the time we snapped this photo as we left for the hospital to be induced. We were all so anxious. Besides me being entirely worn out, we all just had a feeling we were pretty lucky with who was coming. Of course, we were right, but we had no idea just how lucky we really were.
This year, there isn't the same enthusiastic anticipation there was 16 years ago ... or even any of those fun years in between as we planned birthday parties . . . but there IS an anxiousness. An anxiousness to pay a fitting tribute to our angel daughter and sister.
I'm pouring out my soul trying to put together inspired thoughts to add to her book and looking for publishers. I call it a daunting privilege. And, I'm finding that words are failing me ... or at least fleeing faster than I am able to trail behind. The book certainly won't be ready for her birthday, but the effort is still there, and it won't be long afterward. Perhaps by mine or Memorial Day.
Several other tributes are in the works for her birthday ... the headstone will be placed on her grave that day, and friends are making plans to gather to release balloons here at our home. One friend, Claire Guthrie, is working hard to honor Lauren by making her birthday a "Childhood Cancer Awareness Day" in our neighborhood, and at Skyline High School, collecting food, books, and donations to aid other families at PCMC. All of her friends are working to spread the word and write memories of Lauren to be included on the blog. Everyone who participates will be wearing gold ribbons, and dressing in blue (her favorite color) on May 3.
Previous tributes to Lauren will be delivered to PCMC on or around that day including the Thousand Cranes folded by the Japanese Club at Skyline High School, donations of Lauren's paintings, and craft kits for ICS patients, spear-headed by Lauren's sister Carlie.
Since Lauren's passing, Janice Waldman, a dear friend from long ago in Fort Collins, has been making arrangements to donate books to surrounding libraries, and the three school libraries where Lauren attended school.
We are still working to make available Lauren's paintings, her t-shirts, and vinyl tributes are being created for car windows. Everything is being designed as a means of "Living Lauren's Legacy", and all proceeds will go towards PCMC and other oncology families. The first project we are targeting is a young beautiful family who needs our help in the passing of their six year old daughter from Leukemia.
If you would like to participate in any of this by way of time, skills, talents, or donations, please contact melodie@webbtours.com or send donations to:

"Living Lauren's Legacy"
P.O. Box 9043
Salt Lake City, Utah
84109

And, spread the word to wear blue, and a gold ribbon on Monday, May 3, 2010. Above all - - - live her legacy and LOVE and LAUGH every day.
Happy Birthday, Lauren!

Easter Letter to Lauren's friends

Easter 2008
I guess it's no surprise that Lauren LOVED Easter too ...
She loved all holidays and all reasons to celebrate, after all.
But, ... Easter was different -
and holds very special significance to our family.
Please allow us to share --

Easter has always meant more to us than chocolate, baskets, rabbits, and colored eggs. Although it's true that we got new Easter outfits, ate too much chocolate every year, and hunted for eggs; we held quite close, one very special, not well-known tradition in our family. Plastic eggs hidden around our yard or home by a mysterious 'bunny' were filled with money, candy, toys, trinkets, notes and other surprises. Each egg was fun to find and receive, but there was one egg that was wanted and cherished above all the other prizes ... one egg that was the 'jackpot' of all Easter eggs ... one egg that was worth more than anything in all the other eggs. This personal egg was always our favorite color, and had our name on the outside ... with a reminder of just whom the giver is ... "From Jesus Christ."
Always, ... inside the egg is our most cherished of all Easter gifts ... EMPTY.

"He is not here, for he is risen, as he said." (Matthew 28:6)

The very best Easter gift ever is indeed, the one that was empty ... the tomb of our Savior, Jesus Christ. An empty tomb meant he had claimed victory over sin and victory over death. He had borne our grief and suffered our pain. An empty tomb meant the Atonement was complete - finished - and both universally and personally given. While it is a universal gift to all the world, it was a very personal gift to Lauren and it is a very personal gift to each of us.
With more profound gratitude than ever before, we celebrate the gift that is Easter.
We think Lauren would want you to know that she knew (and we know) of this grand reality. She would want you to know that her spirit lives on ... free of fear, free of cancer, free of pain. She lives continually surrounded by friends and people who love her. Lauren, in this lifetime, knew the Giver of the gift ... and she knew him as her 'best, heavenly friend.' His empty tomb was something she cherished with all of her heart ... even before the numerous death sentences she was called upon to face. She knew before her spirit was received back home, and she, perfectly prepared, embraced her Best, Heavenly Friend. We know she tearfully thanked him on her knees at his feet. Their friendship is eternal . . .
In honor of the Gift given through nail-pierced hands, and in memory of how much Lauren loves you, we have placed an empty plastic egg with your name on it on her grave on this day, Good Friday, 2010.
Happy Easter!

Love vs. Pain

A lake in France, 2004

Our angel Lauren LOVED LIFE. She found a way to cherish moments or encourage us to cherish them every step along the way . . . creating a life so full of moments like these, that our hearts are constantly filled with beautiful memories - that now help us to cope with the anguish that she is no longer with us.
In looking back this morning (it's been three months today), Lauren's passing seemed quite symbolic of the rest of her life ... in thought and action. She clung on to each last moment .... trying to make us laugh or at least encouraging more smiles than tears. But, that created for her, a more intense struggle between this life and the next - - her knowing, and wanting the new life, but also continuing to want all of us near her and fearing the pain of what it would do to all of us to be left behind. In fact, on a day of obvious intense physical pain for her, I asked Lauren the simple question: "What hurts the most?" expecting to be able to 'help' the particular pain. Her reply was astounding ... She burst into tears (which was very uncharacteristic for her) and without hesitation, replied: "That it hurts all of you so much!"
Each of the month of Lauren's last days on this earth were filled with intense physical pain and struggle. It wasn't an illness, treatment, or a demise that she merited through her actions ... but her attitude transcended her circumstances; her love transcended her condition ... and so, each of her last days will be marked and remembered more as days of intense love and gratitude. Even when physical inability prevented normal movement or communication, she still found a way to give a thoughtful Christmas gift, express gratitude, form the words "I love you" and blow a kiss or hold a hand.
So, while we can't forget the incredible pain we know she endured, we will remember with more significance the way she dealt with it. Through every moment of her sweet attitude towards life, she proved that love can be stronger than pain.

Sisters!

HAPPY GOLDEN BIRTHDAY
CARLIE!!
(18 on the 18th!)
You are the dearest, sweetest,
most genuine angel sister and daughter.
WE LOVE YOU!!

Feeling really LUCKY
she is ours . . . .

There has been lots of Love and Laughter around here -- and we feel mighty fortunate. We feel the "Luck O' The Irish" even though the closest "Irish" we have in us is a 10th great-grandfather to our children on David's mothers side. :-) Somehow, it's still in our blood.
St. Patrick's Day for our family, has a tradition of being a 'day to count your blessings' ... to recognize how fortunate we are. Lauren was always extra good at that ... counting blessings instead of troubles ... and she would have done so today likely with green hair, and green fingernails, and a shamrock painted on her face. She was just into holidays and really knew how to celebrate! We're still trying to be like her . . . and counting blessings instead of troubles. One of her favorite plaques in our house said:

There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for!

So, while the nagging loneliness continues, we'll honor her by celebrating our good fortune and continue in the tradition of counting blessings -- instead of troubles. She'll be at the top, the bottom, and several places in between. May you have the good fortune of a St. Patrick's Day counting your blessings too.

A bitter-sweet anniversary

Our beautiful missionary daughter
March 11, 2009

Sara received her mission call on Wednesday, March 11 of 2009. What a sweet and willing attitude she had in receiving this call. Everyone in our little family gathered and the mission call was opened. To our surprise and delight, Sara was called to the Thailand, Bangkok mission. Not a place we had even thought of ... and cousin Kami became the 'closest' with a guess of the Philippines. :-) Sara accepted the call and is very much loving and enjoying her time as a missionary to the people of Thailand. Despite the monkeys (which love to attack), the cockroaches, bugs for snacks, and the heat ... she believes she is in Paradise. Her service blesses our lives every day.
While awaiting Taylor and Sara's return from Provo that day to open the call, our distraught hearts were again searching for answers in the best treatments available for Lauren. We had been hoping otherwise (and even being led to believe otherwise), but knew we were in a 3rd battle for our angel daughters life. After 2 weeks of rushing around with testing, scans, MRI's, and x-rays, we again were devastatingly confirmed --- facing another battle for her life. We had secured treatment in Denver, Colorado and were awaiting being measured for radiation (again!) We had high hopes, but were very frightened as Lauren grew more and more ill. I held her head in my lap as she slept and David continued to press forward in new treatments. While we did so, the phone rang.
On the other end of the line was our (brilliant and amazing) doctor at PCMC -- after consulting many medical professionals and doing his own evaluation of the emergency scans and MRI the night before, and lacking any 'treatments' for this 3rd onset; his advice was to "Give her morphine and let her go." He was confident she would be gone within weeks, if not days.
We didn't inform our children. It just didn't seem fair or appropriate . . . especially with that big white envelope from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Mission Department sitting on the table.
That's the ultimate exercise for a heart -- receiving two calls like that in one day. (Thinking about it today has made me feel like I've run a marathon.)
Gratefully, David didn't take "no" for an answer, and neither did Sara. Sara accepted, and we searched and found a remarkable treatment that extended Lauren's life for another 7 months. And, not only did it extend her life, but that treatment helped her to be the ONLY person ever to achieve a 3rd remission from that cancer. Lauren's heroic fight and survival not only earned her the honor, but made it possible for any children who present with her cancer to be given this 3rd regimen first. This will likely save many children from ever having to face the cancer a second time like her, and will also save them their hair, their immune system, and their ability to actually eat and not have to throw up all the time. And, many other cancers that aren't responding to their chemotherapy treatments are getting a chance to try this regimen in hopes of seeing some success. She showed a different way to fight and win. We are grateful to the doctors who always believed in her as well as the man at Sloan-Kettering in NYC who designed that treatment.
While number 4's onset was so unwanted and brought the final 'death sentence' ... we feel the number 3 is something to celebrate ... as will all of the other kids who suffer less because of Lauren and her willingness to consider life worth fighting for. This bitter-sweet anniversary marks a most bleak and yet quite beautiful day. God's hand has been over us all ... and now our prayers are for both of our missionary daughters.

Lauren with her beloved "Gogo" (Grandmother)
after her 4th grade grandparent program.
We think there is great similarity to now ...
only Gogo's hair is not white any more and
they are both probably a little taller. :-)