Happy 4th!!

July 4, 1996

Another 4th of July --

It is hard to believe that five years has passed away since being diagnosed with cancer. It's also hard to believe that it is possible that I hate that word now more than I did even then. Hind sight IS 20/20 vision, however, - so not really knowing what lied ahead couldn't allow for as much dread as knowing the course it put us on.
Even so, Lauren is such a profound privilege, that looking back I would still take the cancer if I knew it was the only way to have Lauren in our life. For reasons I don't think I'll ever understand in this lifetime, ... it was a package deal.
And, interestingly enough, ... that was amongst the first logical thoughts that came to my mind that dreaded night on the 1st of July 2006 when the words "your daughter has a tumor" were spoken. I recall feeling as though every ounce of blood was drained from my body because I couldn't move my extremities or form a logical thought. Quietly, and over and over again I began saying to myself "I know in Whom I have trusted." And, sometimes to this day, it is the only thought that makes any sense or calms my lonely heart.
At the time, it was the only thought I could form. And, it has proved most sustaining.
After we told Lauren, shed some tears, and watched her faithful spirit to fight, the next sustaining thought was how much of a privilege she is. And, I promised those in Whom I trust that because I trusted Them and knew what an honor it is to be her mom, I would find the battle a privilege too.
Easier said than done, I suppose. I didn't care for the battle. It was excruciating. I would give anything to remove the battle that ensued over the next three and a half years along with the wounds and scars left behind, but I wouldn't trade a moment of her life for anything either. She simply IS a privilege.
Our loving Father has ways we don't understand or don't want. But, He also had Lauren in mind for my family . . . and even my best dreams and wishes couldn't have conceived of such a gift.
We'll be on the parade route without her this year. And, I'm not going to pretend that doesn't hurt. But in her honor, and in honor of They who gave me the comforting and sustaining reminders of those realities, I'll just keep reminding myself that the joy and privilege she (and even that excruciating and unwanted battle to keep her) is forever.

July 4, 2006

May all your wishes come true!

Happy Birthday, Lauren!!

Happy Valentines Day!

Lauren on Valentines Day (with her Valentine box) in first grade / 2001
Happy Valentines Day!!

Lauren celebrated LOVE every day of her life. She knew the NOUN AND the VERB so well. She is just a master of it. So, Valentines was a big, big day to her .... even in the toughest days of her illness. During those days, it wasn't just her family and friends who received Valentines, it was fellow patients whom she had never met. Hundreds of Valentines were delivered in her 3 1/2 year battle with cancer with a special measure of the love she so sweetly possessed and expressed so well. Thousands of Valentines graced her short mortal life.
In that honor, I had "wished" to deliver the Valentine of her completed book "Happily Ever After: The Power of Perspective" today. Despite my sincere desires and efforts otherwise, I have been unable to complete it. I have no idea when or even if it will be finished.
I remain determined to honor her life and the love she filled every day with . . .
I'll either find a different way to do it or I'll keep laboring and hope to be able to announce the completion soon.
May you fill Valentines Day with Love as a VERB . . . and do it deeply.

Lauren's mom.

1-11-11

Lauren was a wish-maker. She wished on first and falling stars, lucky clovers, coins in wells or fountains, lucky pennies, eyelashes on your cheek, necklace clasps that had rotated to the front, birthday candles, "bumps" on the head, feet raised over railroad tracks, numbers that repeated in sequence (as in today's 1-11-11 date), and any other 'excuse' she knew of. All of these, and others I haven't been able to recall were moments to close her eyes, express a desire in her heart, and blow ... or whatever else she had to do to make the 'wish' come true.
It wasn't until the Make-A-Wish foundation approached Lauren about making a wish that it dawned on me that most, if not all of the wishes Lauren was making were wishes for others instead of herself. Her unhesitating response was "I wish to give my wish away!" And, repeated efforts to get her to think of herself were in vain as she continually tried to maneuver a way to focus on the wishes for someone else.
I don't know of a child with a life-threatening illness who wouldn't wish that they didn't have the illness. I'm sure that Lauren didn't want to have cancer and yet, even this wish was foreign to her. A conversation about her illness was more like debate as I told her I would do everything and anything to take her illness away and she countered that she wouldn't trade her life for anyone's. The only concession she would make was that she wished I (and the rest of her family) didn't have to endure her illness. (Although, she was able to find silver linings in that too.) Again, the wish was about others, not her.
The wish we were able to get Lauren to make that was "about her" STILL involved others more than herself. She determined to do something that would raise awareness, concern and funds to help other families with life-threatening illness. For, as Lauren told me after I questioned if she couldn't possibly think of something for herself ... "Mom, my wishes have all come true."
In order to complete her wish for others in need, she determined to complete at least one of two books she had in her heart which she had become convinced would 'help other people's wishes come true.' Unfortunately, she didn't get the opportunity to accomplish the "means" in order to get to the "end." Make-A-Wish foundation does "not fulfill wishes for families of already deceased children." So, I am committed to fulfilling this wish in my angel daughter's honor.
Lauren's two books: "Happily Ever After (The Power of Perspective)" (a teen / adult book) and "I Love MOO!" (a book for children) should be available in the next few weeks. Pre-orders would really help an awareness of production time, and would be appreciated. (These books will be available through an on-line service.) All proceeds will go through the Living Lauren's Legacy foundation to benefit Lauren's favorite charitable organizations, including those who serve children with life-threatening illnesses, and service research and awareness for Childhood Cancer amongst others. Giving Lauren's wish away will accomplish what she had intended from the beginning.
It is interesting to note that Lauren, in so many significant ways, actually DID accomplish her wish to make other people's wishes come true. These books will only be two in a long list of wishes her selfless, loving life granted for others. Lauren's response to her last treatments have changed the world for all children with her same cancer, as well as many other types of cancer. Her willingness to fight for life has given many others more of a chance, with much less of the severe consequences of the more harsh treatments. She has indeed, just as she wished, made a huge difference with her heartfelt desire to make others wishes come true. It wasn't as simple as a momentary close of eyes and a blow of breath ... but she did what she had to do. And, even though some wishes don't come true if you 'tell' them ... some wishes won't come true unless you do. This is the purpose of the foundation and the efforts to accomplish her 'wish.'
Thank you for your help in making it possible.
melodie@webbtours.com

I love you, good night.

In honor of her life of love .....

Lauren's book: "Happily Ever After" which she created and I am completing with a subtitle of "The Power of Perspective" will be available by the first of February. If you would like to be notified when it is on-line, or to pre-order a copy, please e-mail or check back by January 15.
Thanks so much --

This little angel has been lighting up Christmas for as long as her presence in our life has been known. Even the year we were still anticipating her arrival was brighter and so blessed ... it's tender and tough to be without that same brightness.
Lauren loved to give gifts - she loved snow, lights, trees, the music, and the baby in the manger. Finding a list of 1000 things she loved about life, was grateful for, or made her happy - - I wasn't surprised to find out that many of them involved this time of year, as well as the life of that baby in the manger. Lauren just 'got it' . . .
On that same list of things was "having my missionary home for Christmas." Taylor did, in fact, return home in time for Christmas -- as did Sara last year and our season was tender and loving and happy, although not as we would have hoped for. This year, it is Lauren who is really home for Christmas and the tenderness goes beyond containable borders.
We hope for a Christmas like 1993 ... when the anticipation of time together will fill our hearts with "tidings of comfort and joy" unique to this season, the 'babe in the manger', and the precious gift of her life.
"May your days be Merry and Bright . . ."