We
Choose Love
My friends asked me to share
how I have overcome fear. I was hesitant
of the opportunity and have really (seriously, really) struggled with this task.
In a conversation with my daughter about wishing I hadn’t accepted, she
helped me to discover why all of the other dozen drafts weren’t acceptable and
had been scrapped.
I can’t share with you how I have overcome fear
… because I haven’t.
Before I shed light on that
reality … I’ll share with you who I am.
I’m a daughter, sister,
granddaughter, niece, wife, mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother (Mimi, in my
case) to some of the most beautiful souls who have ever graced the planet. My blessings are numerous, my cup
overflowing. I know the privilege to
love and be loved and I cherish life.
Family is everything to
me. Always has been, always will
be. I wanted a dozen children – I wanted
to be surrounded by mess and noise and beautiful people to love and fuss over. I was an author, public speaker, and creator
of games on the subject of close, happy families and I did my best as an intentional mother to practice what I
preached.
23 years ago today, 9 days
after the due date of a particularly long and challenging pregnancy, my baby
daughter (and final child) was born. I
was instantly and irreversibly smitten with her silken hair, soft blue eyes,
and chubby cheeks. She was perfect in
every way, and although only my 4th child, she completed me. And, it was a full, ample, exquisite complete
and we lived life accordingly. As with
my other children, I added one more person I now suddenly could not live
without.
It doesn’t mean we didn’t
have our fair share of difficulty, or even at times what seemed to be an unfair
share of difficulty. We just had a lot
to live for and we worked hard at what didn’t come easily.
I had an aversion to
fear. Quite frankly, it scared me, so I
tried hard not to ever experience it. I shut out thoughts of the horrors of
losing any of my children, and taught them to eat their vegetables, wear a
helmet and/or seat belt, and what to do in the case of fire. Our basement had a room stock-piled with
enough emergency food, water, candles, and toilet paper to keep at least 5
families our size safe in a disaster. We
would have all we needed in the event (God forbid) that we experienced tragedy.
With my children taught how
to turn off the water to the house, passwords memorized to avoid danger with
strangers, and my absolute assurance that there was no such thing as monsters
to come and take them in the night, they were always tucked safely into bed
with a hug and kiss after prayers to keep us safe from harm or accident. We never went without saying “I love you,
goodnight.” It was our safe haven, and that
safety was assured by our preparation, good choices, and blessings from heaven.
Even when I was “brave”
enough to pray that I could accept God’s will if it were otherwise, I could
never quite end it there and would have to choke out a quick tag line …
“But, please … just don’t let it hurt.”
Fair weather fan of life, …
that’s me.
Unfortunately, life isn’t all
fair weather. And, fair weather was my
life without the reality of something to be truly, genuinely afraid of. I
characterize our life into two phases now, “before
fear” and “since”. And, the reality is that you can’t ever
really experience courage until real fear is staring you in the face.
You see, I had lied about
monsters coming in the night and nothing in the basement storage room could
have prevented or prepared our precious family for the fearful and
heart-wrenching tragedy staring each of us in the face.
We now would experience
something of which to be horribly, shake in your boots afraid. That precious baby daughter who was born 23
years ago today had a rare Childhood Cancer.
So rare in fact, that there have only been 200 known cases a year, but
so horribly vicious, that it is one of the leading killers amongst all far more
prevalent cancers. 5 children (including
her) in history have survived a second onset, and of those, none recurred in
such vital places as hers. She is the
only one in history to have beaten it three times. There isn’t a survivor of a 4th
onset. Hers set in for the 4th
and final time as she began her sophomore year in high school. The beast was just unrelenting; no matter how
many times she claimed a clean and solid victory over it. How something so vile found its way into
something so perfect is simply beyond me.
How my thinking that basement storage could prevent or prepare for any disaster and grant us freedom from fear is also simply beyond me.
The battle was fierce and
intense and full of fear. There was
reason for it. Fear wasn’t a sin against
our faith; it wasn’t a weakness, or an error in judgment. It was exactly the emotion connected to
watching her go through what she had to go through. No one could anticipate any different. The love we felt for her was inseparably
connected with the fear of losing her … of having to live without her. The horror was real. It wasn’t just scary; it
was terrifying.
And then, she slipped through
our fingers and returned to the God who gave her life.
And, we were left to pick up
the pieces of ourselves, to somehow discover “how” to live without her.
In doing so, we see that some
fear will remain a part of our story, for it is inseparably connected with
loving each other. So, we will embrace
it, for it drew us closer to the One who overcame death and hell by his Grace, matchless
Mercy, and eternal Love. Experiencing fear
has made us more intimately, personally, and profoundly familiar with the
infinite Hope engraved in his hands.
We didn’t overcome fear, but
Jesus Christ has, and he will, just as he promised. I have scooped up all my ashes that he has
promised me beauty for. And, my feet
prepare for the day he trades my mourning for dancing.
And, I do not fear that He keeps His promises.
I wasn’t preserved knowing profound
heartache and sacrifice, or prevented from knowing gripping fear. I wasn’t prepared for the profound sorrow and
grief that is so intertwined in my story.
There wasn’t chemotherapy in the basement, or a sturdy enough password
to keep the monsters out of our dark … but there was a foundation of belief and
an experience of his love that assures us a joyous reunion with her again one
day.
While we grieve in a society
that tries to stifle it, we continue to embrace the hard emotions that come with
life’s experience. We’ve learned that
they are most often associated with loving an angel gone too soon from this
life. So, while it is hard for some to
understand, we aren’t trying to “get over it.”
We believe that grief is not something we travel through; it is something we will travel with. And, while my prayers
asked for a pain-free life, it was as nonsensical as asking for a love-free
life. The privilege to love and be loved
also intrinsically accompanies this exhilarating journey of life. Thank heavens (and the CEO thereof) He doesn’t
intend to take away our love just to free us of pain or fear ….
While for now it may seem
daunting, painful, and often frightening, for me and my house: we choose love.
(This piece was written for MyFearAntidote.com on May 3, 2017 which you can find here:
http://myfearantidote.com/2017/05/03/real-life-featuring-melodiechoose-love/
The article and photos are copyrighted by the author/owner and may not be used without express written permission.)
