Love vs. Pain

A lake in France, 2004

Our angel Lauren LOVED LIFE. She found a way to cherish moments or encourage us to cherish them every step along the way . . . creating a life so full of moments like these, that our hearts are constantly filled with beautiful memories - that now help us to cope with the anguish that she is no longer with us.
In looking back this morning (it's been three months today), Lauren's passing seemed quite symbolic of the rest of her life ... in thought and action. She clung on to each last moment .... trying to make us laugh or at least encouraging more smiles than tears. But, that created for her, a more intense struggle between this life and the next - - her knowing, and wanting the new life, but also continuing to want all of us near her and fearing the pain of what it would do to all of us to be left behind. In fact, on a day of obvious intense physical pain for her, I asked Lauren the simple question: "What hurts the most?" expecting to be able to 'help' the particular pain. Her reply was astounding ... She burst into tears (which was very uncharacteristic for her) and without hesitation, replied: "That it hurts all of you so much!"
Each of the month of Lauren's last days on this earth were filled with intense physical pain and struggle. It wasn't an illness, treatment, or a demise that she merited through her actions ... but her attitude transcended her circumstances; her love transcended her condition ... and so, each of her last days will be marked and remembered more as days of intense love and gratitude. Even when physical inability prevented normal movement or communication, she still found a way to give a thoughtful Christmas gift, express gratitude, form the words "I love you" and blow a kiss or hold a hand.
So, while we can't forget the incredible pain we know she endured, we will remember with more significance the way she dealt with it. Through every moment of her sweet attitude towards life, she proved that love can be stronger than pain.

Sisters!

HAPPY GOLDEN BIRTHDAY
CARLIE!!
(18 on the 18th!)
You are the dearest, sweetest,
most genuine angel sister and daughter.
WE LOVE YOU!!

Feeling really LUCKY
she is ours . . . .

There has been lots of Love and Laughter around here -- and we feel mighty fortunate. We feel the "Luck O' The Irish" even though the closest "Irish" we have in us is a 10th great-grandfather to our children on David's mothers side. :-) Somehow, it's still in our blood.
St. Patrick's Day for our family, has a tradition of being a 'day to count your blessings' ... to recognize how fortunate we are. Lauren was always extra good at that ... counting blessings instead of troubles ... and she would have done so today likely with green hair, and green fingernails, and a shamrock painted on her face. She was just into holidays and really knew how to celebrate! We're still trying to be like her . . . and counting blessings instead of troubles. One of her favorite plaques in our house said:

There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for!

So, while the nagging loneliness continues, we'll honor her by celebrating our good fortune and continue in the tradition of counting blessings -- instead of troubles. She'll be at the top, the bottom, and several places in between. May you have the good fortune of a St. Patrick's Day counting your blessings too.

A bitter-sweet anniversary

Our beautiful missionary daughter
March 11, 2009

Sara received her mission call on Wednesday, March 11 of 2009. What a sweet and willing attitude she had in receiving this call. Everyone in our little family gathered and the mission call was opened. To our surprise and delight, Sara was called to the Thailand, Bangkok mission. Not a place we had even thought of ... and cousin Kami became the 'closest' with a guess of the Philippines. :-) Sara accepted the call and is very much loving and enjoying her time as a missionary to the people of Thailand. Despite the monkeys (which love to attack), the cockroaches, bugs for snacks, and the heat ... she believes she is in Paradise. Her service blesses our lives every day.
While awaiting Taylor and Sara's return from Provo that day to open the call, our distraught hearts were again searching for answers in the best treatments available for Lauren. We had been hoping otherwise (and even being led to believe otherwise), but knew we were in a 3rd battle for our angel daughters life. After 2 weeks of rushing around with testing, scans, MRI's, and x-rays, we again were devastatingly confirmed --- facing another battle for her life. We had secured treatment in Denver, Colorado and were awaiting being measured for radiation (again!) We had high hopes, but were very frightened as Lauren grew more and more ill. I held her head in my lap as she slept and David continued to press forward in new treatments. While we did so, the phone rang.
On the other end of the line was our (brilliant and amazing) doctor at PCMC -- after consulting many medical professionals and doing his own evaluation of the emergency scans and MRI the night before, and lacking any 'treatments' for this 3rd onset; his advice was to "Give her morphine and let her go." He was confident she would be gone within weeks, if not days.
We didn't inform our children. It just didn't seem fair or appropriate . . . especially with that big white envelope from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Mission Department sitting on the table.
That's the ultimate exercise for a heart -- receiving two calls like that in one day. (Thinking about it today has made me feel like I've run a marathon.)
Gratefully, David didn't take "no" for an answer, and neither did Sara. Sara accepted, and we searched and found a remarkable treatment that extended Lauren's life for another 7 months. And, not only did it extend her life, but that treatment helped her to be the ONLY person ever to achieve a 3rd remission from that cancer. Lauren's heroic fight and survival not only earned her the honor, but made it possible for any children who present with her cancer to be given this 3rd regimen first. This will likely save many children from ever having to face the cancer a second time like her, and will also save them their hair, their immune system, and their ability to actually eat and not have to throw up all the time. And, many other cancers that aren't responding to their chemotherapy treatments are getting a chance to try this regimen in hopes of seeing some success. She showed a different way to fight and win. We are grateful to the doctors who always believed in her as well as the man at Sloan-Kettering in NYC who designed that treatment.
While number 4's onset was so unwanted and brought the final 'death sentence' ... we feel the number 3 is something to celebrate ... as will all of the other kids who suffer less because of Lauren and her willingness to consider life worth fighting for. This bitter-sweet anniversary marks a most bleak and yet quite beautiful day. God's hand has been over us all ... and now our prayers are for both of our missionary daughters.

Lauren with her beloved "Gogo" (Grandmother)
after her 4th grade grandparent program.
We think there is great similarity to now ...
only Gogo's hair is not white any more and
they are both probably a little taller. :-)